Artful Conversation

Meeting an artist for the first time in his studio is an exciting prospect. But how does one spark up a conversation, without sounding trite, too earnest or too much in awe?

I was invited by John Wragg RA to visit him, after I had bought a painting of his from the Royal Academy summer show. I decided to take him up on his offer and was accompanied by Rafi and his girlfriend, Amanda, who were over from the States visiting me. We set off in high spirits, driving to Devizes, a market town in the beautiful Wiltshire countryside. We pondered over my predicament; I asked both of them if they could think of an intelligent question – they being fine arts students. They did not see it as a problem.

We’d been talking, too, about the artfully compiled new book by Martin Gayford, ‘A Bigger Message, conversations with David Hockney’; reflecting on his portrayal of Hockney’s love of nature, how he had changed the way he painted and communicated this following his discovery of the iPhone/iPad app, Brushes, and his ‘voracious intellectual curiosity’.

Our host turned out to be very welcoming and made us feel at ease, making us a cup of builder’s tea and pouring us a glass of red wine, each (except he was so animated that he forgot to pour himself one!). My earlier trepidation was soon replaced by reverence. The conversation flowed from him; he told us anecdote after anecdote, interspersed with his views and opinions about life and the art world. We sat in his kitchen, switching between sips of tea and red wine, listening intently and laughing loudly. Surrounding us were a selection of his paintings, sculptures and personal artefacts. It was a strange experience to be trying to take them in – almost surreptitiously – while following the many threads of the conversation.

The questions I had thought about never materialized. Instead, I asked him more about his life. It just seemed more natural to talk so. We discovered he hung out with Hockney when he was 17 – they both being from Yorkshire and of the same age – and so knew him well. What a coincidence, we all chimed. But then he chortled, pointedly,

‘He is a millionaire and I just make ends meet’.

He then told us a funny story about why Hockney had dyed his hair blond and his journey to California. Several times he talked about Tracey E. And about how he had taught Anish K a few things at Chelsea. And now look at them both…

As time passed, it became more strange to actually talk about JW’s paintings and what was behind them. I suppose it is the same in my own field of academic work. One skirts around, for fear of making someone feel vulnerable or asking crass questions. And yet one knows the other craves recognition and the opportunity to talk more about their ideas. Often someone gives a great talk, goes for dinner with people who were at the talk, and after a few platitudes they all talk about anything but the talk.

After about an hour of kitchen talk, we went on a grand tour of JW’s idiosyncratic house, never knowing quite what to expect. We were led from one room to the next, happening upon different periods of his life and work. Secret doors led to hidden rooms full of paintings, photos, sculptures, cuttings, and artefacts – lying, standing or hanging in front of us, in measured and thoughtful ways. So much to take in – it made it  more difficult for me to ask about any of them.

A and R, however, were bolder, asking a few questions about his technique of using hardboard versus canvas, oil paints versus watercolours, and so on. And then I stopped in front of a big painting, depicting a forlorn, egg-headed chap – and asked him – in a rather tongue-in-cheek way, why he had painted over the top of the man’s head (he often paints over and over until it feels right),

‘Just because.’ He looked bemused at such a silly question. Right answer.

That stopped me in my tracks.

Artful conversation lies in the layering and folding of topics, rather than directness of questions and answers. We found out a lot more about JW and his art through his seguing of anecdotes, memories and quips. In contrast, the conversations MG has with DH in the Hockney book are more focussed and reflective, like mini-interviews, more befitting of a book.

At one point in chapter 6, MG asks about the enjoyment of art. DH reminisces by describing his memories of sitting at the front of buses and in the front of cars, so he could see more, ‘because it is such a pleasure.’

But it was his anecdote about GIs in Vietnam that is most striking and will stick with us. He describes how the soldiers used to talk about ‘eye-fucks’,

‘when they are on the move they have to keep their eyes intensely looking for a tiny quiver of a leaf, over there or over there, taking in as much as they could.’

It stuck with him, as it stuck with us – and one can see why,

‘it is a way of saying the eye is having extreme enjoyment.’

As we wandered around JW’s collection, that extended into the café across the road (where we had coffee and cakes) our eyes were doing the same, but our ears were also having ‘ear-fucks’ – so to speak – with the enraptured conversation.

Athlete’s Dressing


Nike’s online and bricks and mortar stores have always been at the leading edge of technological innovation. They have experimented with new cinematic, media user experiences; pioneered customer design, and encouraged users to creatively personalize their own pair of trainers through selecting from a digital palette of options.

We entered their new physical store in the sparkling, mega-shopping mall, Westfield East in the heart of Stratford City, with anticipation. The spacious, two-story, store did not disappoint. It was immaculately dressed – not just the windows but throughout the interior. We were immediately confronted by a cast of larger-than-life, headless male mannequins; clad in tight, white Nike underwear and GB football tops. They were very sexy-looking, triggering a primordial urge to kick a bulging football. The clever marketing people had lined up many brightly, coloured ones in the vicinity.

Ktchung.

Further back in the store, we spotted more headless mannequin models, but this time female, wearing top-to-toe black gear with shocking-pink, running shoes.

They make me want to run very fast.

The sports gear for sale was hanging on dinky things or neatly piled on back-lit surfaces that made you want to touch, hold and wear it. I am not a Nike fan – it would be a bit like mutton dressed as lamb – but after a few minutes of enjoying the eyewear candy, was easily able to see a younger version of myself encased in the latest tick logo, techno-coloured attire. It was all, too, seductive. I commented to one of my companions what a contrast it was from the jumble sale piles that are now commonplace in the cheap and cheerful ‘made in China’ labeled high street shops.

As my eyes continued hoovering the clothing spread, I was surprised by the lack of any TV or other digital screens. We’d noticed how in every other shop there are multiple vivid, large screens embedded in the walls – attracting and luring passers-by with swaggering, pouting beauties. Nike seems to have gone retro: letting its tops, bottoms and shoes walk the talk.

Having feasted on the first floor, we rode up the steep yellow-lit escalator for dessert. Our by now, large-pupil-ed eyes were drawn to an enormous cloud of bright orange shoe boxes, hanging at different heights over the edge of the escalator – they glowed in semi-darkness, giving you a warm feeling.

I eventually turned around, and at last spotted two tiny touch screens, discreetly placed on a back wall, next to a modest-sized flat screen, that flashed up images of Nike running gear. A direct feed from their website; blurring clicks and mortar. We walked up to them and behaved like toddlers; finger-tipping the screen, assuming it was us that were cycling through the images of watches, runners and visualizations.

Out of the blue, a human being appeared besides us, wearing a big badge saying ‘Athlete Michael’. It seemed as if he had just transmogrified from our screens, clad in the latest Nike running gear – black tights, baggy shorts, pyro-technic trainers and an assortment of layered, lurid tunics and vests. We all stared at him, fixated by his badge, wondering if he was really real and who he was. He began by patiently explaining how nearly every Nike running shoe now has a chip in it and when Blue-toothed to a wristwatch transforms the running experience. This unlikely combo has become a huge success among joggers and runners over the years; enabling them to see on the go how many calories they are burning, number of steps taken, and, with the deluxe-iPod GPS combo – even the route taken, when they are slowing down or speeding up, how much sweat they are dripping, etc.

Athlete Michael got into his stride, as we cooed and nodded, marveling at Nike. He liked the wristwatch best because he can see at a glance how many x’s he is doing and how it is really easy to download this onto the Nike running website and see how his x’s are faring compared with the rest of the world’s Nike joggers.

For some reason, I was reminded of the TV commercial for UK’s Directory Enquiries service 118 118, that features men parodying different sports gear costumes to the Ghostbuster’s tune.

Rather than walking away Niked, I was left with an irritating ditty repeating itself in my head. Maybe a big video screen might have worked better on me.

Bordering Beautiful


A major refurbishment is going on at Gatwick South terminal and ‘bordering on beautiful’ is one of the slogans proudly plastered over makeshift walls. I didn’t recognize it when the bus dropped us off. Instead of the usual unwelcoming, grungy dungeon we are normally dumped at, we were let out onto an elevated ramp, reaching up to the skies. Our eyes were in for a feast. The spanking new concourse was lit up with ambient banners of digital fruit colours that changed imperceptibly – alleviating the stress of starting a long journey from a London airport. A modern, vibrant and upbeat sign for Gatwick South was prominently displayed, with Aqua blue font.

I was flying with Norwegian.com to Sweden – a low-fare airline that bizarrely flies from London to Stockholm. It is one of the more discerning ones, even boasting free Wi-Fi on board. On passing through the concourse, I noticed a bank of sideway facing Norwegian.com kiosks and – just like in the TV commercials – friendly, uniformed smiling faces standing besides them ready to assist and welcome every passenger on their way.

Printing my boarding card was a breeze.

More elegant, ergonomic signage swept me up the stairs into security. The space – unlike the previous cattle market of fighting travellers winding their way through chaotic lines – was airy, quiet and soothing against a backdrop of more ambient lights, fluxing pink, blue, green, yellow and orange. I was in heaven.

Invisible, perambulatory paths continued to sweep us along until we reached a row of 19 glass-gated lanes with barcode readers, inviting us to slow down and step on yellow footprints. This is the face of the new border control, fully automated, and calming. Apparently, the new security system, if operating smoothly, will enable each passenger through in less than 5 minutes. So would it work for more me, to be whisked through to the other side?

Sadly, no. There had to be a hitch somewhere in this smooth, soporific journey. The card reader did not recognize the barcode on my boarding pass. I turned it around and tried different ways of getting the black lines to line up with the red lines, peaking through the scanner. No luck, so it was off to find a human to help out. At Lane 1 of the starting line, I spotted an official looking man. He looked over at me and said, rather too gleefully, “I can see what’s wrong straight away”.

I couldn’t, so brazenly asked him what it was. He peeled off another barcode strip from his large book of stickers and placed it over the faulty one on my boarding card. Then he pointed to the problem, “see here, your boarding pass has two lines of perforations, and one of them goes straight through the barcode. So it can’t read it. The company’s fault.”

I presume Norwegian.com did not know when buying the paper rolls for its boarding card machines that the lines of perforations (inserted for their boarding agents to tear easily into two bits at the gate, one they keep and the other given back to you to take on the plane) would line up where the barcode was to be stamped. I thought about chortling at this wonderfully simple, system error but thought better of it, as the man looked quizzically at me and then at my passport mugshot. One always feels vulnerable at such moments of comparative scrutiny, especially when bordering no-mans land.

Meanwhile, a small queue had started to line up behind me, presumably with similar problems – the man was kept very busy.

I was reminded of the person who is assigned to the cacophony of barking, self-checkout machines that have now taken over the cashier-staffed ones in our supermarkets, stores and newsagents. We all know the benefits to the retailer: it costs much less since only one attendant is needed to run a pen of 4-6 checkout tills at a time. But these new-fangled transactions are far from being beautiful for the customer. There is always something that a human needs to do when the machine comes unstuck or cannot be trusted – be it checking someone’s age, needing to remove the security top on a wine bottle, or rectifying cases of mistaken identity or non identify, such as deciding what a strange looking fruit is with no barcode label on it.

Once through security I went off to potter, preparing myself for the two and a half hour flight. At WHSmith, instead of using one of the self-service machines to buy a magazine, I obdurately queued with lots of others to use the old fashioned way of making a purchase. A jolly man marched up and down besides us, a bit like a ticket tout, sarcastically repeating his smarmy tagline “pay over here – and you don’t need to queue.” Noone budged over to his row of empty self-service tills. We were all determined to pay a human, no matter how long it took.

Finally, when I handed over my magazine to the cashier, she scanned it on her machine and then handed it back to me, after it had beeped. The days of them bagging our purchases are long gone, but so it seems, is the humble paper receipt’s day, numbered. I asked the lady for one and she retorted, “ohhh, I can’t do that, it needs special…(inaudible mumble).”

I gave her a puzzled look, indicating my concern at how were the security guards to know if I had paid for my magazine. She looked back at my look, and triumphed “ahhhh, there are loads of cameras everywhere”, raising her eyes to the ceiling. I followed them. Sure enough, there was an army of tiny roaming, drove cameras hanging from high; poking their swivelling lenses down at us. I wondered whether the now largely absent, human cashiers were being retrained as CCTV shoplifting spotting, experts. And I wondered, too, what I would need to do, now receipt-less and bag-less, to prove that I had paid for the magazine. But I did not need to worry – there weren’t any uniformed security guys at the front of the store to have to do any explaining to.

The world of commerce and security has gone topsy-turvy. Anything but bordering on the beautiful.

Flirting Butterflies

There are countless online dating services now; most well-known are Match.com, eHarmony, and Guardian Soulmates. Yesterday evening I heard about another one, Flirt.com. As its name suggests, it is a lot more raunchy and explicit in its claims than the more romantically named ones:

“Join the world of free online dating with Flirt.com, make new friends and start hot all-night affairs. We’ll show you a short cut to all forbidden pleasures and to 1000s of personals of frivolous men and women looking for passionate lovers or hot mistresses in the UK.”

However, judging by the reviews it seems that these kinds of lurid sites are full of computer-talking bots rather than real people. Despite this automated fakery, many people still try their luck. And some get lucky. One young lad I met on the train last night was going all the way to Worthing to meet in the flesh the girl of his dreams, whom he’d been flirting with on the website for the last two weeks. Moreover, he was prepared to travel far and pay a lot to see her. He’d come all the way from Nottingham to meet her in a hotel. He’d never been south in his life, let alone London. This was the biggest adventure of his lifetime.

As we chugged out of Victoria Station he jumped around the carriage snapping photos with his phone of the twinkly lights on the bridge across the Thames. Then he tried to snap the fireworks as they kept popping up in the dark against the backdrop of the London skyline.

His excitement was palpable.

He asked me if he and his mate (who only looked 14 but seemed far more streetwise) were in the right bit of the train going to Worthing (the train splits into two at Hayward’s Heath and the first 4 carriages go to Littlehampton and the remaining 8 to Lewes). I nodded and then we got chatting. He was a bright ginger-haired boy, about 16-17 (although claimed to be 18) with several teeth missing and wearing crumpled, chav grey trackie bottoms with matching grey hoodie.

He called his Worthing date his North Star. Very touching.

He then started telling me how he was from a broken home, been in trouble, and now wanted to start a new life in Worthing with his flirt.com lady. His dream has always been to meet someone, get married and raise kids, and be a proper mum and dad that would live together. This was going to be his first proper girlfriend – at least that was what he hoped. I could see there was a lot of damage hiding behind the missing teeth, but it was lovely to see such romantic idealism shining through.

He was very twitchy and soon went off to the toilets to get changed. His mate (with no matching date), on the other hand, just played a video game throughout the journey. When he came back, he had an air of self-consciousness, this time donning an even more crumpled stripy t-shirt, but obviously one of his favourites. He sat down and carefully folded his carapace hoodie, putting it neatly in his backpack. Care that you take when in a care home.

He suited the nickname Ginger.

Ginger and his mate had been travelling already for 6 hours. I asked them how long they planned to stay in Worthing. Ginger piped up wistfully “maybe forever”. He kept looking at his mate and saying he had butterflies. His mate looked back blankly and just smiled. But I could see them very clearly fluttering all around Ginger.

Ginger’s mobile then trilled loudly. Nervously, he answered it. It was the flirt.com lady. She asked where they were. He looked at me and I shouted East Croydon. Ginger then added: “the lady on the train says we are in the right carriage and would be there in an hour.” I liked the ‘lady’ touch. Bode well.

We went through a tunnel and he lost her signal. She’d already had a few drinks and he seemed a bit put out.

The boys then suddenly realized they were sitting in First Class and that gave them a thrill. The ticket lady eventually came by and they scarpered into the next carriage. She gave me a knowing wink as she followed them. Then she left the train and they came scampering back into my carriage – only to be shooed out again by the next ticket inspector. It became a playful cat and mouse game – their childhood innocence getting the better of them, along with the butterflies.

As the train came into Hove, I stood up, walked over to Ginger and handed him a fiver, suggesting he buy his lady friend a nice cocktail (I am a big softie when it comes to kids with a shard of hope stacked up against such a mountain of damaged background). He swiftly put it in his pocket and thanked me quietly. Then he told me his name was Stevan – emphasizing it was spelt with an ‘a’ and not an ‘e’. I do hope flirt.com works out for him and is not the scam many unhappy campers have written about online. It is a long way for a boy so young and sweet to be duped and have his looking glass life shattered.

Image: redbutton.com